Stewart’s Beckapalooza

Stewart:

America, I thought as perhaps Teddy Roosevelt did, that some basic protections backed by the legal authority of the United States government, if necessary, could enhance all of our pursuit of liberty and happiness and life. And what I didn’t know is that to even entertain that thought makes me a progressive. And that’s not good.

Video: *Beck says progressives want to control every aspect of your life.*

Stewart:

I didn’t know that that’s what I wanted but I guess I want to control every aspect of your life. As a progressive I might say, “I think it’s a good idea for an agency to monitor pollution.” But I guess what I really mean is, “It’s in the state’s interest that we be allowed to put a chip in your head that tells you when you can masturbate.” Total control! And in my America, nobody tells people when they can masturbate. That is a decision that should only be made between myself, my doctor, and that new Calvin Klein billboard outside my window that’s lit 24-hours a day.

And by the way, if you are progressive you’re not naive. Or a well intentioned stupid person. As Glenn said, you are a metastasizing malignancy on the body politic. Perhaps, even in our great nation’s very colon. Why are you so dangerous progressives? Because you can’t stop.

Video: *Beck says the roots of progressivism leads to fascism and social justice.*

Stewart:

It’s not that believing, I’m not saying this, I’m not saying that believing there should be a minimum standard for how much lead can be in our paint might lead to the government having the right to sterilize and kill Jews. I’m not saying that that might be the case. I’m saying that’s the case. And that even though you didn’t realize it, even though you didn’t realize it, it’s been your goal the whole time. Where’s your proof? Here’s my proof.

Video: *Beck says China is the new goal with lots of Maoists hanging around the White House.

Stewart:

You don’t see it, do you? You still don’t see it. Follow me America. I’m going to show you something that will blow your mind. Why am I the only one that’s saying it? Am I crazy? Or? Okay. Look at the ovals of progressive folly. Look! Look! Ovals getting larger. And isn’t it interesting that they go to China? Turns out that the progressives advocating for regulations on toxins in water and our children’s toys turns into China, the very country that has been putting toxins in water and our children’s toys. It’s so ingenious, it almost doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. So know you’ve taken us this far. You’ve drawn the ovals. How do we get our country back? How do we stop the cancer from “progressing?” Do you see….

Video: *Beck talking about the Christianity of our founding fathers*

Stewart:

Then Thomas Jefferson signed “year of our Lord, Christ,” licked the envelope, put a stamp on it, and gave it to one of his slaves to take for a couple of weeks to get it to Maryland. My point is this! It’s that simple. We know what to call a progressive, “cancer.” What do you call someone that follows this better path? Because we must label because without a label we would have no idea which websites to visit.

Video: *Beck says he’s a conservative libertarian.*

Stewart:

Conservative Libertarian. Two great tastes that taste great together. So how do we get back from China? Be a conservative libertarian who follows the rules of God. Hmm, Jon, what would that look like? What could that possibly look like? What could you possibly have that could look like that? Oh, I don’t know, Jesus? With Libertarian Penn Gillette and Conservative Alex P. Keaton? Hey, Jon, what about all that space on the right there? What if you drew ovals from here to theocracy? What if you drew a shape like this, or like this, or like this to a theocracy? That’s ri- wait a minute. Straw man, slippery slope, dumb guy might have a point. Can you just draw ovals from the center to China in the same way but back towards a theocracy? Well, there’s one, Wait! This is Glenn’s blackboard so we have to play by Glenn’s rules which are if you subscribe to an idea then you also subscribe to that idea’s ideology. And to every possible negative consequence that that ideology remotely implies when you carry it to absurd extremes.

For instance, progressives if you believe in a minimum safety net for the nation’s neediest you believe in total and absolute government control. So, if you believe that faith provides a strong moral tent post for a nation’s foundation that could only lead to totalitarian theocracy. But Jon, that’s crazy, that can’t be right! Cause there would be all kinds of redonculous embedded clues! You’re absolutely mother f-ing right. If that were true somehow I would be able to show a bearded Jesus over time turn into a, look, beard it’s white, and now he’s Muslim! Did I just blow your mind? Am I the only one here saying that having facial hair necessarily makes you a blood-thirsty totalitarian theocrat? Am I the only one?

I could hold up a swastika or a hammer and sickle or a picture of a bloody corpse and tell you that that’s my evidence, but I don’t have those pictures. I have the words themselves written in indelible chalk. Conservative Libertarian! Let’s start with Conservative. Oh, well, what’s this? A “Con” a con is a convict! And “Serv” a convict and a slave! I don’t want to be a slave prisoner but it’s your ideology. I guess Libertarian somehow mitigates. Well, let’s look at that, lie! Lie! They’re lying to us! Who’s doing the lying, who is doing the lying? Tell me word on the board, who is doing the lying? Arians! Aryans! Holy Shit! Oh, my, God! But Jon, if that was true, why did they spell it without the “y?” They took out the Y because they don’t want you asking that question. I am coming for your books and brains! What does that leave? Well, it leaves only one word, Bert. A insidious pigeon worshiper whose draconian law allows for neither loud noise nor rubber duckies. But yet who spends his day in a children’s workshop telling our impressionable youth what to think. Don’t think he’s dangerous? Well, I wonder what the letter E would have to say about that! Oh, it’s Hitler!

I didn’t want to have to tell you any of this. Any more than Glenn Beck wants to tell you that people who think safety belts are a good idea are killing this country. And as I look around, at all the truly random things that I scribbled – I’m sorry, I promised myself that I would cry.