Gasp! Terror Babies Are Already Here!

Thanks to some diligent work by the brightest minds in America, a nefarious plot by Al Qaeda to recruit poor pregnant Mexican women to come to the United States illegally and have a baby here so that baby can grow up in America as a citizen (thanks to that terrible 14th Amendment) and ultimately become a terrorist undetected by the system thus being able to carry out a terror plot undetected by the unsuspecting American population has been exposed.

God, I can’t even write it so it makes sense. I’m assuming they (the brightest minds in America) don’t think Al Qaeda will try and sneak a woman from the Middle East into America illegally to have a baby since Americans are hypersensitive about illegal Middle Easterners at the moment. So who does that leave? Canadians? Mexicans? People from Michigan?

I’m also assuming they (the brightest minds in America) have figured out how someone born in America but then whisked away to Iraq or Afghanistan for the rest of their life only to be returned to America at the age of 18 will escape detection as a possible threat. Or will Al Qaeda keep the babies here to grow up undetected. If that’s the case, I’m assuming they (the brightest minds in America) will figure out how Al Qaeda will be able to prevent a teenager living in America from being exposed to all the fundamental freedoms that make America so great (like Facebook) and have tapped in to a way to keep teenage hormones under control so they won’t want to rebel against their parents.

The sad truth is terror babies are already here without Al Qaeda having to do anything. It’s called being born in Michigan. (Just kidding). Have they (the brightest minds in America) ever looked at the culture in America that creates militias, Tim McVeighs, and James Earl Rays? Have they gone after the families that have already produced terrorists? Terrorists like Terry Nichols, Scott Roeder, Ted Kaczynski, John Walker Lindh, John Hinckley, Jr., or Eric Rudolph who were born to parents who were already here as American citizens?

So how on earth do we track the babies that are being born right here in America that will turn into homegrown terrorists? I guess, since we’re just amending the Constitution willy-nilly, we could make it a requirement that everyone pass a “Are you a terrorist?” test at the age of 13 before being allowed to have citizenship. Or, we could take a look at everyone’s genealogy. If you have some terrorists in your past, like John Wilkes Booth, Robert E. Lee (or Ulysses S. Grant depending on your perspective), or Benedict Arnold then you have to pass a rigorous three part exam conducted over a period of years before it’s determined you won’t become a terrorist. Or maybe we can just start revoking citizenship to women who’ve given birth to some of our greatest terrorists.

I think we’re surrounded. The only thing left to do is to take over Canada.