Stewart:
We revisit the curious case of one senator, John McCain. A man so principled he refused to leave a Vietnamese POW camp if other soldiers could not leave, too. That’s what we loved about him. Well, that and the shadow puppets. How did he do that? He’s really quite clever. John McCain struck people as a principled politician who took stands that were sometimes antithetical to his political party. Like his position on “don’t ask don’t tell,” his position on redistribution of wealth, his position on intolerance. Even his almost heretical feelings about Ronald Reagan. The last one was not as publicized as some of the others. These were strong stands.

Now, McCain did walk a couple of them back, like when he needed to win his party’s nomination for the Presidency. Or when he wanted to win over his party’s conservative base during the Presidential election. Or when he just wanted to change his position for no apparent reason whatsoever. There were a couple of other instances. McCain’s position on tax cuts, torture, cap and trade, the deficit commission, immigration, the confederate flag. There’s a shitload of them, quite frankly.

But even with all that you never felt like the guy was selling his soul. You just felt like maybe he was shaving little slivers of his soul off for money. But you always felt like he maintained a controlling interest in his soul. Fifty-one percent of his soul. The majority shares of his soul. Until now.

McCain says he never considered himself a maverick.

Stewart:
I’ll give you a moment to scrap your brains off the ceiling. Now normally this is obviously where we’d toss to a montage of John McCain calling himself a maverick but I don’t even fucking need to. That’s how embedded the word “maverick” is on his persona. It would be like Rudy Giuliani coming out saying, “Hey, I never mention 9/11. What are you talking about?” It’s like “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” saying, “I never believed I was butter. Why would I believe that? I never believed it.” It’s on the container! Something like that is such an abject and easily disproved negation of the entire premise of this man’s political career that it can’t even be considered selling your soul for political gain because at that point the currency of your soul is utterly worthless. It’s like, at that point you’re just printing your soul on Zimbabwe dollars. Even political expedience does not, there’s no logical reason… Oh, my God. He’s completely devalued his soul. I know what’s going on here. McCain is shorting his own soul. It’s brilliant. What he’s doing is driving down the price of his own soul by completely stripping it of its pride, its backbone, its integrity, all of its tangible assets. All the while knowing the value of his own soul will soon plummet. Then, in a backdoor move, buys soul default swaps on the back end. Makes a fortune and just picks his soul back up for a song when it hits bottom. And you know the worst part? Come election time, he’ll still get his tax payer bailout and get re-elected. You know why? Because John McCain is too big to fail.

America, I thought as perhaps Teddy Roosevelt did, that some basic protections backed by the legal authority of the United States government, if necessary, could enhance all of our pursuit of liberty and happiness and life. And what I didn’t know is that to even entertain that thought makes me a progressive. And that’s not good.

Video: *Beck says progressives want to control every aspect of your life.*

Stewart:

I didn’t know that that’s what I wanted but I guess I want to control every aspect of your life. As a progressive I might say, “I think it’s a good idea for an agency to monitor pollution.” But I guess what I really mean is, “It’s in the state’s interest that we be allowed to put a chip in your head that tells you when you can masturbate.” Total control! And in my America, nobody tells people when they can masturbate. That is a decision that should only be made between myself, my doctor, and that new Calvin Klein billboard outside my window that’s lit 24-hours a day.

And by the way, if you are progressive you’re not naive. Or a well intentioned stupid person. As Glenn said, you are a metastasizing malignancy on the body politic. Perhaps, even in our great nation’s very colon. Why are you so dangerous progressives? Because you can’t stop.

Video: *Beck says the roots of progressivism leads to fascism and social justice.*

Stewart:

It’s not that believing, I’m not saying this, I’m not saying that believing there should be a minimum standard for how much lead can be in our paint might lead to the government having the right to sterilize and kill Jews. I’m not saying that that might be the case. I’m saying that’s the case. And that even though you didn’t realize it, even though you didn’t realize it, it’s been your goal the whole time. Where’s your proof? Here’s my proof.

Video: *Beck says China is the new goal with lots of Maoists hanging around the White House.

Stewart:

You don’t see it, do you? You still don’t see it. Follow me America. I’m going to show you something that will blow your mind. Why am I the only one that’s saying it? Am I crazy? Or? Okay. Look at the ovals of progressive folly. Look! Look! Ovals getting larger. And isn’t it interesting that they go to China? Turns out that the progressives advocating for regulations on toxins in water and our children’s toys turns into China, the very country that has been putting toxins in water and our children’s toys. It’s so ingenious, it almost doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. So know you’ve taken us this far. You’ve drawn the ovals. How do we get our country back? How do we stop the cancer from “progressing?” Do you see….

Video: *Beck talking about the Christianity of our founding fathers*

Stewart:

Then Thomas Jefferson signed “year of our Lord, Christ,” licked the envelope, put a stamp on it, and gave it to one of his slaves to take for a couple of weeks to get it to Maryland. My point is this! It’s that simple. We know what to call a progressive, “cancer.” What do you call someone that follows this better path? Because we must label because without a label we would have no idea which websites to visit.

Video: *Beck says he’s a conservative libertarian.*

Stewart:

Conservative Libertarian. Two great tastes that taste great together. So how do we get back from China? Be a conservative libertarian who follows the rules of God. Hmm, Jon, what would that look like? What could that possibly look like? What could you possibly have that could look like that? Oh, I don’t know, Jesus? With Libertarian Penn Gillette and Conservative Alex P. Keaton? Hey, Jon, what about all that space on the right there? What if you drew ovals from here to theocracy? What if you drew a shape like this, or like this, or like this to a theocracy? That’s ri- wait a minute. Straw man, slippery slope, dumb guy might have a point. Can you just draw ovals from the center to China in the same way but back towards a theocracy? Well, there’s one, Wait! This is Glenn’s blackboard so we have to play by Glenn’s rules which are if you subscribe to an idea then you also subscribe to that idea’s ideology. And to every possible negative consequence that that ideology remotely implies when you carry it to absurd extremes.

For instance, progressives if you believe in a minimum safety net for the nation’s neediest you believe in total and absolute government control. So, if you believe that faith provides a strong moral tent post for a nation’s foundation that could only lead to totalitarian theocracy. But Jon, that’s crazy, that can’t be right! Cause there would be all kinds of redonculous embedded clues! You’re absolutely mother f-ing right. If that were true somehow I would be able to show a bearded Jesus over time turn into a, look, beard it’s white, and now he’s Muslim! Did I just blow your mind? Am I the only one here saying that having facial hair necessarily makes you a blood-thirsty totalitarian theocrat? Am I the only one?

I could hold up a swastika or a hammer and sickle or a picture of a bloody corpse and tell you that that’s my evidence, but I don’t have those pictures. I have the words themselves written in indelible chalk. Conservative Libertarian! Let’s start with Conservative. Oh, well, what’s this? A “Con” a con is a convict! And “Serv” a convict and a slave! I don’t want to be a slave prisoner but it’s your ideology. I guess Libertarian somehow mitigates. Well, let’s look at that, lie! Lie! They’re lying to us! Who’s doing the lying, who is doing the lying? Tell me word on the board, who is doing the lying? Arians! Aryans! Holy Shit! Oh, my, God! But Jon, if that was true, why did they spell it without the “y?” They took out the Y because they don’t want you asking that question. I am coming for your books and brains! What does that leave? Well, it leaves only one word, Bert. A insidious pigeon worshiper whose draconian law allows for neither loud noise nor rubber duckies. But yet who spends his day in a children’s workshop telling our impressionable youth what to think. Don’t think he’s dangerous? Well, I wonder what the letter E would have to say about that! Oh, it’s Hitler!

I didn’t want to have to tell you any of this. Any more than Glenn Beck wants to tell you that people who think safety belts are a good idea are killing this country. And as I look around, at all the truly random things that I scribbled – I’m sorry, I promised myself that I would cry.

This is the press release as issued by O’Brien, per http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=451417&gt1=28103:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over “The Tonight Show” in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my “Tonight Show” in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move “The Tonight Show” to 12:05 to accommodate “The Jay Leno Show” at 11:35. For 60 years “The Tonight Show” has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. “The Tonight Show” at 12:05 simply isn’t “The Tonight Show.” Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the “Late Night” show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of “The Tonight Show.” But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with “The Tonight Show,” I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

Daily Show: After learning the customs of Hanukkah, John Oliver plays Santa and hands out presents to Jewish children before they kill themselves.

As Conan says, “Good to finally see those two together.”

Jon Stewart: Is 30,000 troops the military equivalent of Advil?

Stewart: It was an amendment proposed by Democratic Michigan Congressman Bart “I’m With” Stupak banning any new government health plan from paying for a certain, completely legal, constitutionally protected medical procedure. Take a guess which one? I’m going to write down my guess: gall bladder and gall bladder related issues.

After Congressman says it is wrong to use tax payers money for a procedure they find morally wrong, Stewart says: Paying taxes is like going to the zoo. Admission’s 20 bucks. You can’t walk in and go, “Here’s $18.50, I don’t like zebras.”