Santorum. Yuck. Or How to make the GOP love Romney without really trying.
Rick Santorum. Huh. Don’t like it. I knew we could count on the Iowa caucuses to give us a result that will have little to no real value when it comes to nominating the Republican Presidential candidate. What it does emphasize is that while no one likes Romney, they’re still going to give him the nomination anyway. He did after all manage to win in Iowa. Sure, Santorum will play the role of Mike Huckabee to Romney’s John McCain, but in the end, we’ll be watching Romney debate Obama, not the frothy Santorum.
Despite all this, the Rupert Murdoch owned Wall Street Journal is highlighting the fact that Santorum is blowing up in the polls of New Hampshire. Santorum has jumped from 3% to 11% in the latest polling while Romney has slipped down from 43% to 40%. 15% are undecided, so even if they all jump on the Santorum bandwagon, he still won’t have enough votes to beat Romney.
Let’s just face facts here, Republicans. You’re stuck with Romney. You can flirt with the other candidates, you can listen to Santorum’s promises of outlawing birth control, gay marriage, and forcing women to stay home (doesn’t that sound like a fun society), and you can dream away about having a perfect conservative in your White House. The reality is, you’re married to Romney. Yes, he’s only recently made the changes you needed him to make in order to make it work with you, but he’s trying really hard. He’s stuck to those changes for the last five years. You haven’t heard nary a word from him about all those past flings with universal health care and abortion rights. So suck it up. Accept him into your life. Embrace the marriage that you have because courting someone like Santorum will just end in a yucky mess that no one wants to see.
Why Iowa Doesn’t Matter
With Ron Paul holding the current lead in the latest polling out of Iowa, it has once again become very clear why Iowa doesn’t matter. The GOP candidates have covered every corner of the state preparing for next week’s caucuses and all that effort will result in one thing: a winner who will not get the Republican nomination. Just ask Mike Huckabee. Or Bob Dole. Or George H.W. Bush. With the exception of a George W. Bush win in 2000, every other Republican to win the Iowa caucuses has either been the sitting President running for re-election or a candidate who failed to get his party’s nomination. In fact, in 1988 H.W. lost in Iowa to Bob Dole, coming in third behind Dole and Pat Robertson.
Whats more, with the exception of 2004 when the state voted for George W. Bush over John Kerry, the Democratic nominee has come away a winner in five of the last six Presidential elections. And yet, the Republicans have bled themselves to death in a state that most likely won’t even go Republican in the general election.
So why do they pour all their money into a state that doesn’t matter, that won’t produce the nominee as a winner? In 2008, Rudy Giuliani tried to end run Iowa and pour all his resources into Florida and got trounced out of the race. Of course, the winner of the Iowa caucuses in 2008, Mike Huckabee, never even had a fighting chance against McCain.
If I were the GOP I would put Kansas first. In the last 40 years Kansas has correctly chosen the Republican nominee every time, with two exceptions: (1) Bob Dole in 1988 (a long time popular, powerful senator from Kansas) and (2) Mike Huckabee in 2008 (an anomaly that can only be explained by the fact that the state seems to be temporarily insane). Despite Kansas’ current state of psychosis, or maybe because of it, I think they could still do a better job of sorting this crazy group of GOP candidates than Iowa. Let’s move up Kansas’ primary in 2016 to New Year’s Eve. I’m sure Kris Kobach can jerry rig some sort of election law to make it happen. Then, we can stop wasting everyone’s time. Instead, come next Tuesday, we’ll be celebrating a meaningless victory for someone who will never be the GOP nominee.
Sarah Palin, Juror
Sarah Palin, Time Traveler extraordinaire, is taking a break from her historic trip through time because she’s been called for jury duty. Sarah says, “The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes.” I imagine the time will come when she drops out of the slow news cycle.
We checked with the court clerk in Anchorage and she was able to provide us with the transcript from jury selection*:
Attorney: I’d like to speak with Ms. Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin, where are you?
Sarah Palin: Right back here just enjoyin’ a most beautiful courtroom.
Attorney: Ok. Let me ask you -
Sarah Palin: It’s great tah see that patriotism in all you fine people who are here to serve this great country of ours by doing our civic duty.
Attorney: Thank you, Ms. Palin. If you don’t mind, I need to ask you if you know any of the parties in this case?
Sarah Palin: I like tah think that we all know each other out here in the real America. Gosh, ya just gotta be proud. And I’m thankful that the flippin’ lame stream media isn’t allowed in here. Judge, yah see any comin’ in you just start tellin’ ‘em to get the heck outta here.
Attorney: Your honor, would you please direct the juror to answer my question?
Sarah Palin: I’m not answerin’ any gotcha questions.
Judge: Ms. Palin, if you can’t answer the questions we’re going to have to excuse you from jury duty.
Sarah Palin: Judge, I don’t quit my civic duty early. I could be out at the fishin’ hole and not even botherin’ with comin’ in here, but holy geez, I’m not that kind of person. I’d rather be in here bein’ free, exercisin’ my constitutional right to be on a jury.
Judge: Ms. Palin, you don’t have a right to be on a jury, only to have a right to a trial by – nevermind. Do you think you can answer the questions now?
Sarah Palin: You betcha.
Attorney: Thank you, Ms. Palin. Now, do you know any of the parties in this case? Do any of us look familiar or the names sound familiar to you?
Sarah Palin: It’s not occurrin’ to me that I know any of you.
Attorney: And do you think you could be impartial if you were to serve on this jury?
Sarah Palin: I’d like to think that when it comes tah fightin’ for real Americans that I will always stand up for what’s right and not what people there say they want me tah do.
Attorney: Ok, but -
Sarah Palin: This great nation of ours was founded as a warning tah people everywhere that they better not be messin’ with us and tryin’ to turn us socialist. We gotta stand up and fight to keep those arms and keep that big ol’ government outta our lives.
Attorney: Your honor, I think I’d like to dismiss this juror.
Judge: Yep. Bailiff?
Sarah Palin: Where are we goin’? Holy moly that guy looks guilty!
Judge: Mistrial!
Attorney: Dammit!
Sarah Palin: Just try your case again. Don’t retreat, reload!
*no, I don’t really have a transcript or any idea what if any court she’s been called to for jury duty
Sarah Palin, Time Traveler – Chapter Two
Sarah Palin
Time Traveler
Chapter Two
October 28, 1886.
A steamer pulls up to Bedlow’s Island. It is 7 o’clock in the morning. A small crowd of men and women depart from the steamer, heading towards a brand new statue. Today, the Statue of Liberty is going to be unveiled to the world. The crowd mingles for a light lunch after inspecting that everything is okay. The statue is fine. One woman, Mrs. Clarence Carey even decides to climb all the way to the top, stepping outside at the very top, on the balcony around the torch. She is the first woman to have accomplished this. She sighs with pride and satisfaction, looking back at New York City and the United States. Her eyes wander down to the island below. Far, far down below she sees a small person jumping and waving. She wonders, “who is that lunatic?”
On the ground, the frantic jumping of the woman is seen by the remaining members of the American Committee of the Statue of Liberty. At first, they wonder what is wrong with her. Then, they decide, they must approach her. They have one hour until the first steamer full of visitors will arrive at the Statue of Liberty.
Mr. David H. King is selected to see what is the matter. He approaches her with great worry.
“Madam, may I help you?”
“What’s that? I’m so excited to be here!”
“Yes, I imagine you are. Do you know where you are?”
“‘Course I do! That’s the Statute of Liberty!”
“You mean ’statue’?”
“That’s what I darn did there say. Statute!”
“No, you see, you’ve put an extra T in there.”
“I love Ts! Tea Party, whoo hoo!”
“Okay. Staaaaatue. Not Statutttttte. Never mind, doesn’t matter. Are you on the guest list?”
“Always. So let’s get us up in this lovely statute! Time to celebrate freedom!”
“Madam, the President of the United States is on his way here along with a very large contingent of French dignitaries, untold number of police officers, infantry, and various other security forces. You must remove yourself.”
“Boy, you sure do know a lot of funny things and boy do you just keep right on talkin’ there! I hear we got this statute as a warning.”
“A warning? You mean like the horse’s head in Jack Woltz’s bed?”
“You just said a bunch of things that don’t make sense to me so I’m going to respond to what I do know. Other countries don’t want us to be a horse’s ass and become socialist countries. Especially those Frenchies. Do not want us being socialisties.”
“Socialwhaties? You mean the French who just came out of the Franco-Prussian war who then had another revolution who established the Paris Commune to promote worker’s rights who then executed 30,000 for taking part in the Paris Commune? Those freedom lovers? Yes, they do want us to stay a democracy so they’ll have someone to look up to.”
“What? All I know is France is giving us this statute telling us ‘not to blow’ our democracy.”
“Okay. Right. Yes, you’re right.”
“I usually am.”
“Or, they could be giving it to us to commemorate the great shining example that is America. To celebrate the United States rather than to give us a dire warning.”
“Warning. That’s what it is. Big ‘ol warning in the middle of New York Harbor to inspire fear in all Americans not to blow this thing we got going here. Just like Paul Revere warned the British not to take our arms. Big warning.”
“Or, as President Cleveland will tell us in a few hours, ‘Instead of grasping in her hand the thunderbolts of terror and of death, she holds aloft the light that illumines the way to man’s enfranchisement … a stream of light (from Lady Liberty) shall pierce the darkness of ignorance and men’s oppression until liberty shall enlighten the world.’ Or something to that effect.”
“Yes. Terror and death! That’s what I said. A warning.”
“Fine. You’re right. Again.”
“Yep.”
“Please leave.”
“Got to warn about becoming socialists!”
“Okay. Can you go stand over there and warn? Just right over there… See where the soldiers are all lined up? Just let them know what you know…”
“Sure can do! Let me just head on over there. Hey, why are they escorting me away? Don’t you want to hear more about socialists?”
Sarah Palin: Time Traveler
Sarah Palin: Time Traveler
Rewriting History One Event at a Time
Chapter One
A lone rider on horseback hurries down the road, cloaked in the darkness of midnight. His is a ride fraught with danger. His mission: to warn John Hancock and John Adams that a force of British soldiers is coming to arrest them. A constant tapping at his soldier causes his anxiety and irritation to grow exponentially.
Finally, in a fit of anger he turns to the woman riding on the horse behind him, “Why are you here again?”
“Ya know, it’s all part of the Sarah Palin History tour. The National Park Service arraigned for me to accompany you on your famous midnight ride.”
“All I know is you appeared out of nowhere and suddenly were on the back of my horse! Are you a witch?”
“Now, we don’t use that kind of language about women. Are you with the lamestream media?”
“Who? I’m a Whig. What are you? A Tory?”
“What? From 90210? No. I’m a Sarah! Ya know, Momma Grizzly Palin?”
“Momma what? Madam, I have important business to attend to!”
“Riding to let the British know they’re not going to be taking our arms, are ya?”
“What? Taking our arms? Warn the British? No! Warn the Sons of Liberty the Grenadiers and light Infantry have all been taken off duty and all the boats belonging to the transports have been launched!”
“Now I don’t know what all you just said to me, but I’m going to talk about what I understood. People from Grenada are coming? Riding to warn about illegal aliens, too, are ya?”
“Illegal what? Madam, we’ve got British soldiers on the march! All of this force is headed for Lexington. They’re coming for Hancock and Adams! I’ve got to warn THEM the British are coming! I’m not trying to warn the British about anything!”
“Better start ringing those bells and shooting those shots to warn the British not to take our arms when they come marching through the countryside, right?”
“Ring bells? Fire a pistol? Why would I want to draw attention to myself? I’m trying to avoid arrest! That’s why I hung two lanterns in the North Church Steeple, briefly, so as to quietly, surreptitiously warn the Sons of Liberty the British were coming by water!”
“Well, whatever you did, I’m sure you made sure our right to own guns was protected!”
“I think I’m going to have to push you off this horse.”
Two men on Horseback appear up ahead under a tree.
“Now what do ya suppose those nice looking men in red coats want? They sure are decked out in some fancy clothes. They must be from real America! Wait! Why are you pushing me off? Well, isn’t that dandy, landed right in a mud puddle. Hi, there, Mr. Men in Red Coats. I’m Sarah Palin…”
To be continued…
The best 2012 GOP candidates the party’s overlooked
|
Susana Martinez
Governor of New Mexico |
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Susan Collins / Olympia Snowe
United States Senators (ME) |
|
Richard Burr
United States Senator (NC) |
|
Colin Powell |
|
George Prescott Gallo Bush Son of Jeb Bush, Navy Reserve officer and developer I thought as long as I was wishing for Colin Powell I could wish for someone like this. GP Bush is finally 35 and that means he’s now old enough to be President. But he thinks he should actually do something with himself before becoming President. Oh, well. |
Wow. So there really isn’t anybody else to nominate. Asa Hutchinson? Rudy G? Anyone? Seriously? So it’s really Newt, Pawlenty, Romney, Huckabee, Trump and maybe Palin? In the immortal words of the construction worker in Major League, who are these fuckin guys?!
I’m back
I’ve been gone for a very long time as time goes in the blogosphere. I’ve just been a bit disgusted with things and put off by things and rattled by things and irritated by things until I finally decided that maybe I should get back to writing about all of those things.
Palin’s War Against Dessert Death Panels
Sarah Palin is all about fighting big government. She wants them out of our lives (unless you’re a woman who wants an abortion. then she wants government to tell you what to do). She’s sick and doggone tired of them being all up on our backs and stuff. Here she is bitching on her new reality show about Michelle Obama’s program for kids that promotes alternatives to desert:
According to CNN Palin keeps harping against dessert death panels:
It’s not the first time Palin has taken a job at Mrs. Obama over her campaign to discourage fattening foods, especially from public schools. The former vice presidential nominee told conservative talk radio host Laura Ingraham last month that “the first lady cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, for their own families in what we should eat.”
Palin also hand-delivered cookies to a Pennsylvania school last month before delivering a speech there, saying: “Who should be deciding what I eat? Should it be government or should it be parents? It should be the parents.”
I’m glad that Sarah Palin has it clear about who has what power in government and what constitutes big government. We already know she wasn’t exactly sure what the Vice President did before being asked to run. After her nomination, she then went on to explain to children that the Vice President’s job was really neat because they got to be in charge of the Senate. So it’s not surprising that she would see a program initiative by the First Lady as big government, even though it is not anything of the sort.
Sigh.
Ms. Palin, I know you will never be a First Lady so you’re probably not familiar with the role and the duties and executive powers that go along with it. As you’ll recall, the First Lady, Michelle Obama, was sworn in along with her husband on inauguration day. You know, right before the guy in charge of the Senate got sworn in. As a duly elected official she has been placed in charge of anything she wants. Mrs. Obama has chosen to regulate our children’s diets. You’ll recall the last time you went to the grocery store, strike that, the last time you sent Piper to the store looking for s’mores ingredients, the clerk at the store had to confiscate the food from her under the new federally mandated dessert death panel law. It has been tragic to see child after child crying as their mother is whisked away to jail for having given them a cookie.
So, Sarah, what do we do to fight this big brother interference in our lives? I guess, maybe, if we don’t like Michelle Obama’s mandates, we can always just say no.
The Dawn of the Same Old Era
Does the House GOP Leadership actually expect us to believe that they will somehow create change we can believe in despite being totally unable to articulate and carryout a vision in the previous two years?
The fact that there’s a huge split in the GOP leadership between Palin’s camp, the Tea Partiers, and traditional GOPers (whom I think still exist in the form of Jerry Moran) leads me to believe that it’s even less likely they’ll get their act together and present some sort of cohesive plan to “lead” the American people.
Just today, you had a directive go out from a top GOP strategist telling Republicans not to get too grandiose in their initial actions but rather target very specific provisions of the Obama Health Care Bill for repeal (which will never pass anyway as the Democrats retain the Senate). In response, Sarah Palin went off saying Republicans needed to be bold and tear down that wall of Obama Healthcare!
Then there’s former President George W. Bush whose starting to step back into the spotlight decrying the way he was treated while in office saying things like he thought about replacing Cheney and that the worst moment of his Presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist (yes, worse than 9/11, worse than Katrina, worse than the economic collapse). I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Obama draft GW for some sort of initiative that he would be willing to take on for the sake of proving he’s not the asshole everyone made him out to be. (Did you see all the shots of him during the World Series? Mr. Mopey.)
Bohner’s never been able to get the GOP to fall in line behind him even when his President was asking him to. How’s he going to coral the crazies like Michelle Bachman and all the other Tea Party Palindrones? I’ll see it when I believe it.
Until then, I expect to see a whole bunch more of what I saw the last two years: Eric Cantor giving great soundbites as the GOP leadership remains totally ineffective and out of touch.
Quote of the Day
Jon Stewart on Bill Clinton’s efforts to get Kendrick Meeks to drop out of Florida’s three-way Senate Race:
Historical note: first time Bill Clinton has ever tried to talk someone out of a three-way.
