Sarah Palin, Juror
Sarah Palin, Time Traveler extraordinaire, is taking a break from her historic trip through time because she’s been called for jury duty. Sarah says, “The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes.” I imagine the time will come when she drops out of the slow news cycle.
We checked with the court clerk in Anchorage and she was able to provide us with the transcript from jury selection*:
Attorney: I’d like to speak with Ms. Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin, where are you?
Sarah Palin: Right back here just enjoyin’ a most beautiful courtroom.
Attorney: Ok. Let me ask you -
Sarah Palin: It’s great tah see that patriotism in all you fine people who are here to serve this great country of ours by doing our civic duty.
Attorney: Thank you, Ms. Palin. If you don’t mind, I need to ask you if you know any of the parties in this case?
Sarah Palin: I like tah think that we all know each other out here in the real America. Gosh, ya just gotta be proud. And I’m thankful that the flippin’ lame stream media isn’t allowed in here. Judge, yah see any comin’ in you just start tellin’ ‘em to get the heck outta here.
Attorney: Your honor, would you please direct the juror to answer my question?
Sarah Palin: I’m not answerin’ any gotcha questions.
Judge: Ms. Palin, if you can’t answer the questions we’re going to have to excuse you from jury duty.
Sarah Palin: Judge, I don’t quit my civic duty early. I could be out at the fishin’ hole and not even botherin’ with comin’ in here, but holy geez, I’m not that kind of person. I’d rather be in here bein’ free, exercisin’ my constitutional right to be on a jury.
Judge: Ms. Palin, you don’t have a right to be on a jury, only to have a right to a trial by – nevermind. Do you think you can answer the questions now?
Sarah Palin: You betcha.
Attorney: Thank you, Ms. Palin. Now, do you know any of the parties in this case? Do any of us look familiar or the names sound familiar to you?
Sarah Palin: It’s not occurrin’ to me that I know any of you.
Attorney: And do you think you could be impartial if you were to serve on this jury?
Sarah Palin: I’d like to think that when it comes tah fightin’ for real Americans that I will always stand up for what’s right and not what people there say they want me tah do.
Attorney: Ok, but -
Sarah Palin: This great nation of ours was founded as a warning tah people everywhere that they better not be messin’ with us and tryin’ to turn us socialist. We gotta stand up and fight to keep those arms and keep that big ol’ government outta our lives.
Attorney: Your honor, I think I’d like to dismiss this juror.
Judge: Yep. Bailiff?
Sarah Palin: Where are we goin’? Holy moly that guy looks guilty!
Judge: Mistrial!
Attorney: Dammit!
Sarah Palin: Just try your case again. Don’t retreat, reload!
*no, I don’t really have a transcript or any idea what if any court she’s been called to for jury duty
Sarah Palin, Time Traveler – Chapter Two
Sarah Palin
Time Traveler
Chapter Two
October 28, 1886.
A steamer pulls up to Bedlow’s Island. It is 7 o’clock in the morning. A small crowd of men and women depart from the steamer, heading towards a brand new statue. Today, the Statue of Liberty is going to be unveiled to the world. The crowd mingles for a light lunch after inspecting that everything is okay. The statue is fine. One woman, Mrs. Clarence Carey even decides to climb all the way to the top, stepping outside at the very top, on the balcony around the torch. She is the first woman to have accomplished this. She sighs with pride and satisfaction, looking back at New York City and the United States. Her eyes wander down to the island below. Far, far down below she sees a small person jumping and waving. She wonders, “who is that lunatic?”
On the ground, the frantic jumping of the woman is seen by the remaining members of the American Committee of the Statue of Liberty. At first, they wonder what is wrong with her. Then, they decide, they must approach her. They have one hour until the first steamer full of visitors will arrive at the Statue of Liberty.
Mr. David H. King is selected to see what is the matter. He approaches her with great worry.
“Madam, may I help you?”
“What’s that? I’m so excited to be here!”
“Yes, I imagine you are. Do you know where you are?”
“‘Course I do! That’s the Statute of Liberty!”
“You mean ’statue’?”
“That’s what I darn did there say. Statute!”
“No, you see, you’ve put an extra T in there.”
“I love Ts! Tea Party, whoo hoo!”
“Okay. Staaaaatue. Not Statutttttte. Never mind, doesn’t matter. Are you on the guest list?”
“Always. So let’s get us up in this lovely statute! Time to celebrate freedom!”
“Madam, the President of the United States is on his way here along with a very large contingent of French dignitaries, untold number of police officers, infantry, and various other security forces. You must remove yourself.”
“Boy, you sure do know a lot of funny things and boy do you just keep right on talkin’ there! I hear we got this statute as a warning.”
“A warning? You mean like the horse’s head in Jack Woltz’s bed?”
“You just said a bunch of things that don’t make sense to me so I’m going to respond to what I do know. Other countries don’t want us to be a horse’s ass and become socialist countries. Especially those Frenchies. Do not want us being socialisties.”
“Socialwhaties? You mean the French who just came out of the Franco-Prussian war who then had another revolution who established the Paris Commune to promote worker’s rights who then executed 30,000 for taking part in the Paris Commune? Those freedom lovers? Yes, they do want us to stay a democracy so they’ll have someone to look up to.”
“What? All I know is France is giving us this statute telling us ‘not to blow’ our democracy.”
“Okay. Right. Yes, you’re right.”
“I usually am.”
“Or, they could be giving it to us to commemorate the great shining example that is America. To celebrate the United States rather than to give us a dire warning.”
“Warning. That’s what it is. Big ‘ol warning in the middle of New York Harbor to inspire fear in all Americans not to blow this thing we got going here. Just like Paul Revere warned the British not to take our arms. Big warning.”
“Or, as President Cleveland will tell us in a few hours, ‘Instead of grasping in her hand the thunderbolts of terror and of death, she holds aloft the light that illumines the way to man’s enfranchisement … a stream of light (from Lady Liberty) shall pierce the darkness of ignorance and men’s oppression until liberty shall enlighten the world.’ Or something to that effect.”
“Yes. Terror and death! That’s what I said. A warning.”
“Fine. You’re right. Again.”
“Yep.”
“Please leave.”
“Got to warn about becoming socialists!”
“Okay. Can you go stand over there and warn? Just right over there… See where the soldiers are all lined up? Just let them know what you know…”
“Sure can do! Let me just head on over there. Hey, why are they escorting me away? Don’t you want to hear more about socialists?”
Sarah Palin: Time Traveler
Sarah Palin: Time Traveler
Rewriting History One Event at a Time
Chapter One
A lone rider on horseback hurries down the road, cloaked in the darkness of midnight. His is a ride fraught with danger. His mission: to warn John Hancock and John Adams that a force of British soldiers is coming to arrest them. A constant tapping at his soldier causes his anxiety and irritation to grow exponentially.
Finally, in a fit of anger he turns to the woman riding on the horse behind him, “Why are you here again?”
“Ya know, it’s all part of the Sarah Palin History tour. The National Park Service arraigned for me to accompany you on your famous midnight ride.”
“All I know is you appeared out of nowhere and suddenly were on the back of my horse! Are you a witch?”
“Now, we don’t use that kind of language about women. Are you with the lamestream media?”
“Who? I’m a Whig. What are you? A Tory?”
“What? From 90210? No. I’m a Sarah! Ya know, Momma Grizzly Palin?”
“Momma what? Madam, I have important business to attend to!”
“Riding to let the British know they’re not going to be taking our arms, are ya?”
“What? Taking our arms? Warn the British? No! Warn the Sons of Liberty the Grenadiers and light Infantry have all been taken off duty and all the boats belonging to the transports have been launched!”
“Now I don’t know what all you just said to me, but I’m going to talk about what I understood. People from Grenada are coming? Riding to warn about illegal aliens, too, are ya?”
“Illegal what? Madam, we’ve got British soldiers on the march! All of this force is headed for Lexington. They’re coming for Hancock and Adams! I’ve got to warn THEM the British are coming! I’m not trying to warn the British about anything!”
“Better start ringing those bells and shooting those shots to warn the British not to take our arms when they come marching through the countryside, right?”
“Ring bells? Fire a pistol? Why would I want to draw attention to myself? I’m trying to avoid arrest! That’s why I hung two lanterns in the North Church Steeple, briefly, so as to quietly, surreptitiously warn the Sons of Liberty the British were coming by water!”
“Well, whatever you did, I’m sure you made sure our right to own guns was protected!”
“I think I’m going to have to push you off this horse.”
Two men on Horseback appear up ahead under a tree.
“Now what do ya suppose those nice looking men in red coats want? They sure are decked out in some fancy clothes. They must be from real America! Wait! Why are you pushing me off? Well, isn’t that dandy, landed right in a mud puddle. Hi, there, Mr. Men in Red Coats. I’m Sarah Palin…”
To be continued…
The best 2012 GOP candidates the party’s overlooked
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Susana Martinez
Governor of New Mexico |
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Susan Collins / Olympia Snowe
United States Senators (ME) |
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Richard Burr
United States Senator (NC) |
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Colin Powell |
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George Prescott Gallo Bush Son of Jeb Bush, Navy Reserve officer and developer I thought as long as I was wishing for Colin Powell I could wish for someone like this. GP Bush is finally 35 and that means he’s now old enough to be President. But he thinks he should actually do something with himself before becoming President. Oh, well. |
Wow. So there really isn’t anybody else to nominate. Asa Hutchinson? Rudy G? Anyone? Seriously? So it’s really Newt, Pawlenty, Romney, Huckabee, Trump and maybe Palin? In the immortal words of the construction worker in Major League, who are these fuckin guys?!
I’m back
I’ve been gone for a very long time as time goes in the blogosphere. I’ve just been a bit disgusted with things and put off by things and rattled by things and irritated by things until I finally decided that maybe I should get back to writing about all of those things.
Palin’s War Against Dessert Death Panels
Sarah Palin is all about fighting big government. She wants them out of our lives (unless you’re a woman who wants an abortion. then she wants government to tell you what to do). She’s sick and doggone tired of them being all up on our backs and stuff. Here she is bitching on her new reality show about Michelle Obama’s program for kids that promotes alternatives to desert:
According to CNN Palin keeps harping against dessert death panels:
It’s not the first time Palin has taken a job at Mrs. Obama over her campaign to discourage fattening foods, especially from public schools. The former vice presidential nominee told conservative talk radio host Laura Ingraham last month that “the first lady cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, for their own families in what we should eat.”
Palin also hand-delivered cookies to a Pennsylvania school last month before delivering a speech there, saying: “Who should be deciding what I eat? Should it be government or should it be parents? It should be the parents.”
I’m glad that Sarah Palin has it clear about who has what power in government and what constitutes big government. We already know she wasn’t exactly sure what the Vice President did before being asked to run. After her nomination, she then went on to explain to children that the Vice President’s job was really neat because they got to be in charge of the Senate. So it’s not surprising that she would see a program initiative by the First Lady as big government, even though it is not anything of the sort.
Sigh.
Ms. Palin, I know you will never be a First Lady so you’re probably not familiar with the role and the duties and executive powers that go along with it. As you’ll recall, the First Lady, Michelle Obama, was sworn in along with her husband on inauguration day. You know, right before the guy in charge of the Senate got sworn in. As a duly elected official she has been placed in charge of anything she wants. Mrs. Obama has chosen to regulate our children’s diets. You’ll recall the last time you went to the grocery store, strike that, the last time you sent Piper to the store looking for s’mores ingredients, the clerk at the store had to confiscate the food from her under the new federally mandated dessert death panel law. It has been tragic to see child after child crying as their mother is whisked away to jail for having given them a cookie.
So, Sarah, what do we do to fight this big brother interference in our lives? I guess, maybe, if we don’t like Michelle Obama’s mandates, we can always just say no.
The Dawn of the Same Old Era
Does the House GOP Leadership actually expect us to believe that they will somehow create change we can believe in despite being totally unable to articulate and carryout a vision in the previous two years?
The fact that there’s a huge split in the GOP leadership between Palin’s camp, the Tea Partiers, and traditional GOPers (whom I think still exist in the form of Jerry Moran) leads me to believe that it’s even less likely they’ll get their act together and present some sort of cohesive plan to “lead” the American people.
Just today, you had a directive go out from a top GOP strategist telling Republicans not to get too grandiose in their initial actions but rather target very specific provisions of the Obama Health Care Bill for repeal (which will never pass anyway as the Democrats retain the Senate). In response, Sarah Palin went off saying Republicans needed to be bold and tear down that wall of Obama Healthcare!
Then there’s former President George W. Bush whose starting to step back into the spotlight decrying the way he was treated while in office saying things like he thought about replacing Cheney and that the worst moment of his Presidency was when Kanye West called him a racist (yes, worse than 9/11, worse than Katrina, worse than the economic collapse). I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Obama draft GW for some sort of initiative that he would be willing to take on for the sake of proving he’s not the asshole everyone made him out to be. (Did you see all the shots of him during the World Series? Mr. Mopey.)
Bohner’s never been able to get the GOP to fall in line behind him even when his President was asking him to. How’s he going to coral the crazies like Michelle Bachman and all the other Tea Party Palindrones? I’ll see it when I believe it.
Until then, I expect to see a whole bunch more of what I saw the last two years: Eric Cantor giving great soundbites as the GOP leadership remains totally ineffective and out of touch.
Quote of the Day
Jon Stewart on Bill Clinton’s efforts to get Kendrick Meeks to drop out of Florida’s three-way Senate Race:
Historical note: first time Bill Clinton has ever tried to talk someone out of a three-way.
Kansas Candidate Sees Dead People
As I was standing in church on Sunday I overheard one of the men I go to church with say, “Just glad to find out I’m not dead.” Apparently at a debate between the two candidates for Secretary of State earlier in the week Idiot (with a capital “I”) Kris Kobach cited my fellow churchgoer’s vote in August as one that was cast by a dead man. He says it’s proof that dead people are voting all across Kansas. I’m sure they’re voting mostly Democratic as we all know how liberal ghosts can be. From the Lawrence Journal World:
But Bill Gale, Sedgwick County’s election commissioner, said the vote [cited as a fraudulent vote by Kobach] was cast by the deceased man’s son [my friend from church], now in his 70s. He said registration records automatically listed the voter’s date of birth as Jan. 1, 1900 because only ages, not dates, were required when he first registered in 1964.
Kobach, who has degrees from Harvard, Yale and Oxford, terrifies me. He has our “best interest” at heart and that means trouble. He’s also made huge money off of illegal immigration: he helped draft the outrageous Arizona immigration law and taught officers how to enforce it, he’s joined forces with immigrant hating, crazy sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona’s Maricopa County, and Kobach started a program at the Justice Department to force Muslims who were in the country legally as immigrants to re-register. He’s also a proud member of the “birther” movement.
I have already resigned myself to the fact that I must live with Sam Brownback as my Governor, but I’m really hoping the moderate Republicans in this state can pull this race out and keep Democrat Chris Biggs as our Secretary of State.
Kansas Ready to Elect First Socially Conservative Governor
Yes, you read that headline right. Despite all the “What’s the Matter with Kansas” and evolution no evolution knocks Kansans have had to endure we have never, ever elected a Governor who was socially conservative. Moderates have reigned supreme (sometimes thanks to a split in the Republican party) but that party is coming to an end. With the death of Dr. George Tiller and all of his political money, coupled with a Kansas Democratic party who failed to talk the current sitting Democratic Governor into running and couldn’t recruit anyone else worth anything to run, Senator Sam Brownback is poised to take over the Governorship. And with Brownback’s election comes the harsh winds of social change that have been held at bay for the past 20 years (if not since we joined the Union on January 29, 1861).
Mark Parkinson, Kathleen Sebelius, Bill Graves, Joan “Crazy” Finney who replaced Republican Governor Mike Hayden after he raised property taxes, John Carlin…. Not a one in the bunch of previous governors comes as close to being as socially conservative as Sam Brownback and not a one would fit in with the Tea Party. Parkinson, Sebelius, Graves, Hayden, Carlin were all pro-choice. Finney, a democrat, happened to be pro-life but was not socially conservative on a number of other issues. Not that abortion is the be all end all of social issues but it is a good bellwether for predicting where someone stands on social issues.
Brownback is pro-life. Hard core. Of course, he did call a colleague prior to his first campaign for Senate and inquire “which side of the issue” he should come down on. (This is based on my own personal knowledge of the situation) When informed it was “kind of a personal choice” Brownback decided that he was vehemently pro-life and had always been. He went so far, to back up this claim, as to adopt children and convert to Catholicism.
I don’t think Kansans know what’s coming. I think they see Brownback as harmless and he is, contained in the Senate. However, at the helm of a crazy legislature that has proposed all kinds of crazy things only to be stopped by a gubernatorial veto, he is dangerous. He will sign what they put in front of him. You won’t find any moral stands from this guy protecting women, children or minorities. He’ll be in position to appoint Supreme Court judges, and all the other members of a myriad of state boards that stand between Kansans and their rights.
This state was founded by crazies, but we were, and are, a bunch of socially progressive, moderate crazies. At least most of us. Those of us who aren’t moderate, middle of the road types run for state office and make up the majority of state legislators. (See Brenda Landwehr). And now they’ve got their ringleader elected Governor. Forget “What’s the Matter with Kansas.” When Brownback gets elected it will be “Kiss Your Civil Rights Ass Goodbye, Kansas.”
