Gill Gives Jayhawk Fans Hope
Hope is a fragile thing and Turner Gill holds the hopes of an entire Jayhawk nation in his hands. Will he continue the dream and help the Hawks crush Southern Miss or will he crush my ongoing bliss that’s resulted from a Jayhawk victory AND a Chiefs victory? (Arrowhead’s in the house!) I’ve seen Hope. I know what Hope is. I usually find it around the middle of March as I sit in front of my TV waiting for the tip of the first KU NCAA Tournament game. My bracket is pristine, I’m waiting with baited breath to fill in the Jayhawks in the second round….
And then I’ve known Despair. It’s the end of the first weekend of games and teams with names that start with “B” or Northern Iowa are pounding on my brain, laughing at me, causing me to tear my bracket in half, run into the street and scream, “Why? Why, God, Why?? That team was so fat! F-ing Missouri Valley!!”
Please, Turner, bring us some of that Cornhusker magic (the regular season kind, not the post-season kind) and lead KU into Mississippi for the first time and beat the Golden Eagles. I only ask that you do this one thing for me. That, and beat Missouri. And K-State. And probably Nebraska (Big Ten Traitors). And PACthetic Colorado. Please.
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Preivew: Jayhawks vs. Southern Mississippi
Jayhawk fans, do you have Eagle Fever? Anyone? (Why would you have a school cheer that sounds like the guy from Ferris Bueller?)
A big crowd will be gathering in Hattiesburg, Mississippi around 11:30 on Thursday. The Fedora Football group. They’ll be eating lunch with the Golden Eagles head coach Larry Fedora at the Trent Lott Center! *yikes* (Why would you have lunch in a building named after Trent Lott. Isn’t there a Brett Favre building on campus somewhere??) They had to move their lunch to Thursday because they’re playing the Hawks Friday night. That’s right! Jay-jay-jay-hawks! (Always Sunny? Anyone?) There is apparently lots of free parking on Championship Lane for the event, as I would imagine there would be given there aren’t a lot of championships coming out of Southern Mississippi University. Although, to be fair, they have two more national championships in football than KU.
Holy Rock Chalk!
KU just beat Georgia Tech after losing the previous week to pathetic Division I-AA (FCS – the fing confusing configuration) North Dakota State. Yehaw! Here’s hoping we don’t go another 11 months without winning!
A Wildcat’s Guide to the Final Four
It seems preordained the Kansas State Wildcats will be in the Final Four. President Obama has signed the health care bill and by doing so he has set into motion a chain of events known as Armageddon. In fact, one of the first signs of the Apocalypse is K-State making it to the Final Four.
In keeping with our Revelations theme, I’ve put together seven tips for Kansas State Wildcat fans traveling to their first Final Four. It’s been 46 years since they were last there so they might need a refresher course.
1. Stadiums are a bit bigger these days. Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, the site of the Final Four, is slightly bigger than Municipal Stadium in Kansas City, the site of your last Final Four. You might want to bring the Cat Tracker to shuttle people to the stadium doors.
2. The officiating will suck. Get over it. The calls that are made in the Final Four game will NOT be the result of a bias against Kansas State. You’re not playing KU so there’s no conspiracy here. If you end up making it to the Championship game and Kentucky is there, don’t assume that every official is from the SEC just because they call a foul on Clemente. He’s actually just a douche.
3. You are not a victim. You are in the Final Four. You did not get there by being abused by someone, treated like dirt by KU or because it’s all one big setup to really stick it to K-State. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
4. No, Seth Davis isn’t going to pick you to win the Championship. No, it’s not a conspiracy. No, CBS doesn’t rig the games. No, Greg Gumble is not secretly pushing a button to make Pullen miss every three he takes.
5. Yes, some people do actually like the Wildcats. No, not me. I don’t like you. But President Obama did pick you to be in the Final Four. See? You’re not as bad as well all know you are.
6. If you win the championship, prepare yourself for probation. Frank Martin is not a sinless virgin brought to you by God to save Kansas State from the Jayhawks. If you’re lucky you’ll just get a post-season ban. If not, say bye-bye to all those wins you accumulated this year. Don’t worry about giving back the three losses to KU. You can keep those.
7. After it’s over, plan your next trip to the Final Four, or at least buy tickets so your great-grandchildren can go since you won’t be around to see it.
The Emperor Had No Clothes
Those damn, fat fratters. In the end, the 2009-2010 Kansas basketball team just wasn’t as great as everyone said they were. I take no solace in being right. Without Sherron Collins’ pure will they would probably have lost quite a few games. Tyshawn Taylor and Xavier Henry were never the breakout stars they were supposed to be. The Morris twins certainly improved their game, but other than the first round win over Lehigh neither ever asserted himself enough to allow Cole Aldrich the freedom from defense that he needed to really shine. And yet this team was legitimately considered to be national title contenders. Why? Collins. Unfortunately, the rest of the team was a fraud.
And let me just say this to all the K-State fans out there. Yes, it’s a good thing your team is in the Sweet Sixteen. But why do I get the sense that your real glee is because KU lost and not that you advanced in the tournament? Karma’s a bitch, so watch out!
KU to face Intramural Frat Team
I mean really. Look at them. Here is where I break the cardinal rule and doom KU to a second round exit by mocking their upcoming opponent. But I can’t help it.
Northern Iowa, aka, the Sigma Chi Frat Intramural team, is KU’s next opponent in the NCAA tournament. And they are one of those teams. You get to the gym and you look at them and you think, we can beat these guys. Look how fat they are! They’ve never seen a weight room in their life. Plus, they’re Fratters, aka privileged kids who like to wear South Carolina Game “Cock” hats who think they can play but can’t. This will be easy.
The next thing you know, you’ve just watched their little fat guard rain three threes over you and their fat forward shove your “athletic” center out of bounds so he can dunk on him. Yep, it could be tricky.
I’m just going to hope that somewhere along the way KU realizes that they can run circles around these guys, literally. KU went all anti-Glenn Beck on the Patriot League’s Lehigh last night (though it took them 3/4 of the game to do it) so I’m hoping they can go all GDI on Northern Iowa Saturday. If not, I’ll be swearing about those damn, fat, Fratters.
Obama: KU Champion, K-State’s Martin Scary
President Obama once again sat down with ESPN and Andy Katz to fill out his brackets and picked Kansas, K-State, Kentucky and Villanova to go to the Final Four. His champion? The Kansas Jayhawks, of course! He said, “I always like teams in the tournament who’ve got experience, terrific guards.” Katz pointed out Obama’s championship game of Kentucky versus KU was a rematch of the coaches from the 2008 tournament. Obama said, yes, and “Self wins again.”
However, It’s a bit uncomfortable watching him fill out the bracket as Andy Katz is standing over his shoulder questioning his picks. At one point, Obama moved Missouri into the Sweet Sixteen to which Katz yelled, “Really?” Obama then pretended to have been confused and changed his pick to West Virginia.
President Obama also had a pretty high opinion of K-State. He put them all the way into the Final Four losing, of course, to Kansas. Of K-State Coach Frank Martin Obama said, “He’s a scary dude! I could use him. I could send him up to Congress to get them to vote for health care!”
Roy: UNC Season Like Haiti Disaster
Roy Williams:
“Massage therapist told me, she said, ‘You know, coach, what happened in Haiti is a catastrophe. What you’re having is a disappointment.’ I told her that depends on what chair she was sitting in. Because it does feel like a catastrophe to me, because it is my life.”
Okay, two things. One, you’re an out of touch elitist if you start your sentence with my “massage therapist told me.” Two, if you can justify in your own mind in any way shape or form that what you are suffering in your own life is comparable to a disaster that took more than 230,000 lives, you’re an out of touch elitist. Sounds like good old boy Roy has become one of the UNC wine and cheese crowd he despises so much. And I’m starting to sound like Palin railing on elitists. Not good, but I don’t like hypocrits and Roy is the ultimate hypocrit.
Alas, poor Roy! We knew him well…
Poor Roy. Some dude in a collared shirt yells, “Hey, don’t miss it!” at a Tar Heel shooting a free throw and Roy goes apoplectic and has the fan tossed from the Smith Center?
Here’s my Christmas take on the situation:
Every Heel down in Royville liked the Smith Center a lot, but Roy, who lived just north of Chapel Hill – did not. Roy hated the Smith Center – the whole basketball season. Now, please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his sling was too tight. Or it could be that his glasses weren’t fitting just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his big Jayhawk heart was now two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, the sling or his glasses, he stood there in the Smith Center hating their “fat asses.” Staring up from his bench like a hater, at the television lights in the Smith Center. For he knew every Heel sitting down in the Dome tonight was busy now planning their Smith Center flight. “And they’re heading to their cars,” he snarled and he cried, “The game’s not even over, it’s practically tied!” Then he growled with his Jayhawk heart continually grieving, “I must find some way to keep the Tar Heel fans from leaving! Why, for six stupid seasons I’ve put up with it now. I must stop the fans from leaving… but how?”
Roy puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then Ol’ Roy thought of something he hadn’t before! Maybe the Tar Heels, he thought, just don’t know how to cheer. Maybe Ol’ Roy… perhaps… should just take over from here!
And what happened then? Well, in Lawrence they say that Ol’ Roy kicked out a stupid convenient fan that day. And then – the true meaning of playing in the Smith Center came through, and Roy found the strength of *ten* security guards, plus two!
Roy sat back down on his bench, as quiet as a mouse. And he, he himself, Ol’ Roy – dreamed of Allen Fieldhouse.
A Little Pick Me Up
Just in case you were feeling blue about the end of the Jayhawks’ football season…
