Stewart’s Beckapalooza
Stewart:
America, I thought as perhaps Teddy Roosevelt did, that some basic protections backed by the legal authority of the United States government, if necessary, could enhance all of our pursuit of liberty and happiness and life. And what I didn’t know is that to even entertain that thought makes me a progressive. And that’s not good.
Video: *Beck says progressives want to control every aspect of your life.*
Stewart:
I didn’t know that that’s what I wanted but I guess I want to control every aspect of your life. As a progressive I might say, “I think it’s a good idea for an agency to monitor pollution.” But I guess what I really mean is, “It’s in the state’s interest that we be allowed to put a chip in your head that tells you when you can masturbate.” Total control! And in my America, nobody tells people when they can masturbate. That is a decision that should only be made between myself, my doctor, and that new Calvin Klein billboard outside my window that’s lit 24-hours a day.
And by the way, if you are progressive you’re not naive. Or a well intentioned stupid person. As Glenn said, you are a metastasizing malignancy on the body politic. Perhaps, even in our great nation’s very colon. Why are you so dangerous progressives? Because you can’t stop.
Video: *Beck says the roots of progressivism leads to fascism and social justice.*
Stewart:
It’s not that believing, I’m not saying this, I’m not saying that believing there should be a minimum standard for how much lead can be in our paint might lead to the government having the right to sterilize and kill Jews. I’m not saying that that might be the case. I’m saying that’s the case. And that even though you didn’t realize it, even though you didn’t realize it, it’s been your goal the whole time. Where’s your proof? Here’s my proof.
Video: *Beck says China is the new goal with lots of Maoists hanging around the White House.
Stewart:
You don’t see it, do you? You still don’t see it. Follow me America. I’m going to show you something that will blow your mind. Why am I the only one that’s saying it? Am I crazy? Or? Okay. Look at the ovals of progressive folly. Look! Look! Ovals getting larger. And isn’t it interesting that they go to China? Turns out that the progressives advocating for regulations on toxins in water and our children’s toys turns into China, the very country that has been putting toxins in water and our children’s toys. It’s so ingenious, it almost doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. So know you’ve taken us this far. You’ve drawn the ovals. How do we get our country back? How do we stop the cancer from “progressing?” Do you see….
Video: *Beck talking about the Christianity of our founding fathers*
Stewart:
Then Thomas Jefferson signed “year of our Lord, Christ,” licked the envelope, put a stamp on it, and gave it to one of his slaves to take for a couple of weeks to get it to Maryland. My point is this! It’s that simple. We know what to call a progressive, “cancer.” What do you call someone that follows this better path? Because we must label because without a label we would have no idea which websites to visit.
Video: *Beck says he’s a conservative libertarian.*
Stewart:
Conservative Libertarian. Two great tastes that taste great together. So how do we get back from China? Be a conservative libertarian who follows the rules of God. Hmm, Jon, what would that look like? What could that possibly look like? What could you possibly have that could look like that? Oh, I don’t know, Jesus? With Libertarian Penn Gillette and Conservative Alex P. Keaton? Hey, Jon, what about all that space on the right there? What if you drew ovals from here to theocracy? What if you drew a shape like this, or like this, or like this to a theocracy? That’s ri- wait a minute. Straw man, slippery slope, dumb guy might have a point. Can you just draw ovals from the center to China in the same way but back towards a theocracy? Well, there’s one, Wait! This is Glenn’s blackboard so we have to play by Glenn’s rules which are if you subscribe to an idea then you also subscribe to that idea’s ideology. And to every possible negative consequence that that ideology remotely implies when you carry it to absurd extremes.
For instance, progressives if you believe in a minimum safety net for the nation’s neediest you believe in total and absolute government control. So, if you believe that faith provides a strong moral tent post for a nation’s foundation that could only lead to totalitarian theocracy. But Jon, that’s crazy, that can’t be right! Cause there would be all kinds of redonculous embedded clues! You’re absolutely mother f-ing right. If that were true somehow I would be able to show a bearded Jesus over time turn into a, look, beard it’s white, and now he’s Muslim! Did I just blow your mind? Am I the only one here saying that having facial hair necessarily makes you a blood-thirsty totalitarian theocrat? Am I the only one?
I could hold up a swastika or a hammer and sickle or a picture of a bloody corpse and tell you that that’s my evidence, but I don’t have those pictures. I have the words themselves written in indelible chalk. Conservative Libertarian! Let’s start with Conservative. Oh, well, what’s this? A “Con” a con is a convict! And “Serv” a convict and a slave! I don’t want to be a slave prisoner but it’s your ideology. I guess Libertarian somehow mitigates. Well, let’s look at that, lie! Lie! They’re lying to us! Who’s doing the lying, who is doing the lying? Tell me word on the board, who is doing the lying? Arians! Aryans! Holy Shit! Oh, my, God! But Jon, if that was true, why did they spell it without the “y?” They took out the Y because they don’t want you asking that question. I am coming for your books and brains! What does that leave? Well, it leaves only one word, Bert. A insidious pigeon worshiper whose draconian law allows for neither loud noise nor rubber duckies. But yet who spends his day in a children’s workshop telling our impressionable youth what to think. Don’t think he’s dangerous? Well, I wonder what the letter E would have to say about that! Oh, it’s Hitler!
I didn’t want to have to tell you any of this. Any more than Glenn Beck wants to tell you that people who think safety belts are a good idea are killing this country. And as I look around, at all the truly random things that I scribbled – I’m sorry, I promised myself that I would cry.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
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Gross New Senator Offers Daughters to Public
I am firmly convinced that somehow we have all begun to live in Bizarro World. My proof? First, The “Kennedy” seat in Massachusetts has gone to this guy:
Second? I agree with Glenn Beck. Yes, I just vomited a bit. Beck says of Brown offering his daughters up as “available” to “any one out there in the country watching” –
I want a chastity belt on this man. I want his every move watched in Washington. I don’t trust this guy. This one could end with a dead intern. I’m just saying. It could end with a dead intern.
Daily Show: Glenn Beck’s Doubts
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Doubt Break ‘09 | ||||
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Daily Show: Glenn Beck has to decide how much he trusts his government before getting the swine flu vaccine.
Daily Show: Glenn Beck Urges Attack on America
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Osama bin Laden Needs to Attack America | ||||
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Yes, a guest on Glenn Beck actually suggested that the best thing that could happen to get Americans to care about the security of their country is to have Osama Bin Laden detonate a nuclear weapon in the United States. Stewart ripped them for saying this, and Beck for agreeing with it.
Colbert: Tax Atax and Glenn Beck
| The Colbert Report | Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Tax Atax | ||||
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Glenn Beck holds his tea party in the only location that makes sense: the Alamo.
Colbert: “Yes, that does really REALLY make sense. So few remember that the Boston Tea Party began when George Washington and his ragtag troop of Union soldiers holed up in the Alamo surrounded by Nazis. Luckily, before Napoleon could bring in his Terminator reinforcements, Hannibal saved the patriot army with his elite corp of elephant men. To this very day we still rally around the cry, ‘Remember the Ewoks!’ For what it’s worth, I would like to throw my support to this grass roots effort by FOX News Corporation. I certainly hope that this occupation of the Alamo goes just as well as the last one.”
Colbert Takes on Glenn Beck
| The Colbert Report | Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| The 10/31 Project | ||||
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Colbert destroys Beck’s 9-12 Project and starts his own, the 10-31 project. You can find out more about Colbert’s version HERE.
From the Huffington Post:
Stephen Colbert ripped apart Fox News host (and New York Times cover boy) Glenn Beck Tuesday night, mocking his 9-12 project, meant to conjure the spirit of compassion and camaraderie Americans felt on September 12, 2001.
“We weren’t told how to behave that day after 9/11, we just knew,” Beck says to describe the project. “It was right, it was the opposite of what we feel today. Are you ready to be the person you were that day after 9/11, on 9/12?”
“Ready!” Colbert shouted, decked out in a gas mask, holding a gun, and wearing adult diapers.
Colbert then used a classic “Daily Show,” exposing the hypocrisy of Beck’s 9-12 project by highlighting comments he made on September 9, 2005.
“This is horrible to say, and I wonder if I’m alone in this,” Beck said on his radio program that day, “you know it took me about a year to start hating the 9/11 victims’ families? I don’t hate all of them. I hate probably about 10 of them. But when I see a 9-11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh, shut up!’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining. And we did our best for them.”
“The 9-12 project is not for families directly affected by 9/11, just people building their careers on it,” Colbert said.
Colbert went on to mock Beck’s now infamous tendency to cry, and to launch his own “democratic experiment, the 10-31 project.”
“It will be scare and balanced!” he joked.
Daily Show: IndigNation ‘09 – The Enragening
Daily Show: Protestors attempt to “teabag” the White House, Jon blames the media, and Glenn Beck cries.
