The emotional right-wing talk show was probably the last person on earth we’d put on this list until he discovered that blacks have been all but removed from the history of America’s founding, and actually gave a black history lesson on his cable TV show. Yet we suspect we’ll have to revoke it after his upcoming rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the “I Have a Dream” speech anniversary.

So what did Beck do? He put photos of the 32 other people named to the list on his “black”board and started to try and identify them. His first fascist smear was to call Emeril Lagasse Hugo Chavez. Then, when he got to Brian Urlacher, he said he was a “Neo-Nazi.”

Beck apparently was told Urlacher could do severe bodily harm to him so he actually “apologized” to Urlacher, or as Beck calls him, “U-Lick-Her.” Beck says he only made the fascist joke because of Urlacher’s white skin and short hair. Oh…..that makes it okay! I guess Emeril got called Hugo Chavez cause he has dark skin and dark hair. Here’s the so-called “apology.”

I hope Urlacher sees the “apology.” If you think he was mad at Gale Sayers, I can only imagine what he’ll say about this.

Also posted at Daily Kos and Glenn Beck Check.

“My eyes were severely burned by a toxic poison,” Warren wrote on his Twitter page Thursday morning. “Hospitalized Mon. Excruciating pain. Now home. Pray my sight loss is restored.”

The sap of the firestick plant is toxic and can cause skin irritation and temporary blindness if it comes in contact with the skin or eyes, according to the website gardenguides.com. The firestick is a succulent with spiky orange branches.

At least it only causes temporary blindness, unlike Beck’s which could be for the rest of his life. Or not.

I have to ask, is God attacking all the conservatives in a fit of blind rage? What would Jesus do? According to John 9:3, Jesus said of a blind man, he did not go blind because of his sins (or his parents sins) but rather “so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” For Rick Warren, yep. Beck? Uh….judgment day has yet to come.

Call me cynical, but this latest announcement from Glenn Beck reeks of opportunism. Glenn Beck told an audience in Salt Lake City (if you’re going to make up a wild story, Mormons are a good audience):

“A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor because of my eyes, I can’t focus my eyes…he did all kinds of tests and he said, ‘you have macular dystrophy …you could go blind in the next year. Or, you might not.’ I said, did you just charge me a thousand dollars for knowing what I knew my whole life?”

Just for good measure, Beck threw in some of his patented crocodile tears.

I’ll admit, I shouldn’t be so harsh. Perhaps he will turn out like Saul/Paul. God will make him blind only to remove the “crazy” scales from his eyes so that he can become a liberal and lead Democrats to the Promised Land. Plus, if he does go blind, for he and his audience, it will truly be the blind leading the blind.

By the way, Bill Clinton? At the game? I thought it was bad luck, but then it paid off in the end! Hope he comes to all the other games. Hope Donovan takes all the shots instead of Altidore. What’s up with the blast into the stands instead of the open net in the first half Jozy? Yikes. All’s well that ends well.

His latest recitation of his personal thoughts came as commencement speaker at Liberty University’s graduation (a school that hired about to be disbarred, pro-life crazy, former Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline as a law professor). Interesting that they gave Glenn Beck, a college drop out, an honorary diploma whereas Arizona State didn’t think President Obama had achieved enough to merit a diploma from them.

Beck spoke to graduates for a whole of five minutes, crying through most of it. I think maybe the crying is a way to make his speeches seem longer so he doesn’t have to write as much. It only takes so long to say, “Socialist, Facist, Nazi, let’s go kick some non-American ass!” First, he made sure to tie President Obama to Hitler again. In his own commencement address President Obama said this of technology:

“With iPods and iPads and Xboxes and PlayStations, — none of which I know how to work — information becomes a distraction, a diversion, a form of entertainment, rather than a tool of empowerment, rather than the means of emancipation,’ Obama said.

Beck took this too mean Obama said there was “too much information.” Never mind the fact that he said information could be a means of emancipation, something Beck should know about seeing as how he is honoring MLK. I digress. So Beck says, “This is a course that has been charted before in the past and it always ends with those who are willing to burn books.”

Nazism. In case you missed the reference. That means Obama = Hitler. So Glenn’s settin’ you up to believe that Obama is the Hitler in this case. It’s all misdirection so that he can continue to promote his Mein Kampf and one day take over the world! Beck is the real Nazi! How do I know? Because Beck then whipped out his liberty journal and

read the audience passages from his journal that he had written for his daughter, urging her (and graduates) to “marry for God” and “always forgive.”

That was pretty creepy, but not as creepy as the time he read his journal to Sara Palin. And is it just me, or is he really having a hard time manufacturing the tears? Ah, Glenn, Hitler just yelled, he didn’t cry!

America, I thought as perhaps Teddy Roosevelt did, that some basic protections backed by the legal authority of the United States government, if necessary, could enhance all of our pursuit of liberty and happiness and life. And what I didn’t know is that to even entertain that thought makes me a progressive. And that’s not good.

Video: *Beck says progressives want to control every aspect of your life.*

Stewart:

I didn’t know that that’s what I wanted but I guess I want to control every aspect of your life. As a progressive I might say, “I think it’s a good idea for an agency to monitor pollution.” But I guess what I really mean is, “It’s in the state’s interest that we be allowed to put a chip in your head that tells you when you can masturbate.” Total control! And in my America, nobody tells people when they can masturbate. That is a decision that should only be made between myself, my doctor, and that new Calvin Klein billboard outside my window that’s lit 24-hours a day.

And by the way, if you are progressive you’re not naive. Or a well intentioned stupid person. As Glenn said, you are a metastasizing malignancy on the body politic. Perhaps, even in our great nation’s very colon. Why are you so dangerous progressives? Because you can’t stop.

Video: *Beck says the roots of progressivism leads to fascism and social justice.*

Stewart:

It’s not that believing, I’m not saying this, I’m not saying that believing there should be a minimum standard for how much lead can be in our paint might lead to the government having the right to sterilize and kill Jews. I’m not saying that that might be the case. I’m saying that’s the case. And that even though you didn’t realize it, even though you didn’t realize it, it’s been your goal the whole time. Where’s your proof? Here’s my proof.

Video: *Beck says China is the new goal with lots of Maoists hanging around the White House.

Stewart:

You don’t see it, do you? You still don’t see it. Follow me America. I’m going to show you something that will blow your mind. Why am I the only one that’s saying it? Am I crazy? Or? Okay. Look at the ovals of progressive folly. Look! Look! Ovals getting larger. And isn’t it interesting that they go to China? Turns out that the progressives advocating for regulations on toxins in water and our children’s toys turns into China, the very country that has been putting toxins in water and our children’s toys. It’s so ingenious, it almost doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. So know you’ve taken us this far. You’ve drawn the ovals. How do we get our country back? How do we stop the cancer from “progressing?” Do you see….

Video: *Beck talking about the Christianity of our founding fathers*

Stewart:

Then Thomas Jefferson signed “year of our Lord, Christ,” licked the envelope, put a stamp on it, and gave it to one of his slaves to take for a couple of weeks to get it to Maryland. My point is this! It’s that simple. We know what to call a progressive, “cancer.” What do you call someone that follows this better path? Because we must label because without a label we would have no idea which websites to visit.

Video: *Beck says he’s a conservative libertarian.*

Stewart:

Conservative Libertarian. Two great tastes that taste great together. So how do we get back from China? Be a conservative libertarian who follows the rules of God. Hmm, Jon, what would that look like? What could that possibly look like? What could you possibly have that could look like that? Oh, I don’t know, Jesus? With Libertarian Penn Gillette and Conservative Alex P. Keaton? Hey, Jon, what about all that space on the right there? What if you drew ovals from here to theocracy? What if you drew a shape like this, or like this, or like this to a theocracy? That’s ri- wait a minute. Straw man, slippery slope, dumb guy might have a point. Can you just draw ovals from the center to China in the same way but back towards a theocracy? Well, there’s one, Wait! This is Glenn’s blackboard so we have to play by Glenn’s rules which are if you subscribe to an idea then you also subscribe to that idea’s ideology. And to every possible negative consequence that that ideology remotely implies when you carry it to absurd extremes.

For instance, progressives if you believe in a minimum safety net for the nation’s neediest you believe in total and absolute government control. So, if you believe that faith provides a strong moral tent post for a nation’s foundation that could only lead to totalitarian theocracy. But Jon, that’s crazy, that can’t be right! Cause there would be all kinds of redonculous embedded clues! You’re absolutely mother f-ing right. If that were true somehow I would be able to show a bearded Jesus over time turn into a, look, beard it’s white, and now he’s Muslim! Did I just blow your mind? Am I the only one here saying that having facial hair necessarily makes you a blood-thirsty totalitarian theocrat? Am I the only one?

I could hold up a swastika or a hammer and sickle or a picture of a bloody corpse and tell you that that’s my evidence, but I don’t have those pictures. I have the words themselves written in indelible chalk. Conservative Libertarian! Let’s start with Conservative. Oh, well, what’s this? A “Con” a con is a convict! And “Serv” a convict and a slave! I don’t want to be a slave prisoner but it’s your ideology. I guess Libertarian somehow mitigates. Well, let’s look at that, lie! Lie! They’re lying to us! Who’s doing the lying, who is doing the lying? Tell me word on the board, who is doing the lying? Arians! Aryans! Holy Shit! Oh, my, God! But Jon, if that was true, why did they spell it without the “y?” They took out the Y because they don’t want you asking that question. I am coming for your books and brains! What does that leave? Well, it leaves only one word, Bert. A insidious pigeon worshiper whose draconian law allows for neither loud noise nor rubber duckies. But yet who spends his day in a children’s workshop telling our impressionable youth what to think. Don’t think he’s dangerous? Well, I wonder what the letter E would have to say about that! Oh, it’s Hitler!

I didn’t want to have to tell you any of this. Any more than Glenn Beck wants to tell you that people who think safety belts are a good idea are killing this country. And as I look around, at all the truly random things that I scribbled – I’m sorry, I promised myself that I would cry.

Second? I agree with Glenn Beck. Yes, I just vomited a bit. Beck says of Brown offering his daughters up as “available” to “any one out there in the country watching” –

I want a chastity belt on this man. I want his every move watched in Washington. I don’t trust this guy. This one could end with a dead intern. I’m just saying. It could end with a dead intern.

Daily Show: Glenn Beck has to decide how much he trusts his government before getting the swine flu vaccine.

Yes, a guest on Glenn Beck actually suggested that the best thing that could happen to get Americans to care about the security of their country is to have Osama Bin Laden detonate a nuclear weapon in the United States. Stewart ripped them for saying this, and Beck for agreeing with it.

Glenn Beck holds his tea party in the only location that makes sense: the Alamo.

Colbert: “Yes, that does really REALLY make sense. So few remember that the Boston Tea Party began when George Washington and his ragtag troop of Union soldiers holed up in the Alamo surrounded by Nazis. Luckily, before Napoleon could bring in his Terminator reinforcements, Hannibal saved the patriot army with his elite corp of elephant men. To this very day we still rally around the cry, ‘Remember the Ewoks!’ For what it’s worth, I would like to throw my support to this grass roots effort by FOX News Corporation. I certainly hope that this occupation of the Alamo goes just as well as the last one.”