Stewart:
We revisit the curious case of one senator, John McCain. A man so principled he refused to leave a Vietnamese POW camp if other soldiers could not leave, too. That’s what we loved about him. Well, that and the shadow puppets. How did he do that? He’s really quite clever. John McCain struck people as a principled politician who took stands that were sometimes antithetical to his political party. Like his position on “don’t ask don’t tell,” his position on redistribution of wealth, his position on intolerance. Even his almost heretical feelings about Ronald Reagan. The last one was not as publicized as some of the others. These were strong stands.

Now, McCain did walk a couple of them back, like when he needed to win his party’s nomination for the Presidency. Or when he wanted to win over his party’s conservative base during the Presidential election. Or when he just wanted to change his position for no apparent reason whatsoever. There were a couple of other instances. McCain’s position on tax cuts, torture, cap and trade, the deficit commission, immigration, the confederate flag. There’s a shitload of them, quite frankly.

But even with all that you never felt like the guy was selling his soul. You just felt like maybe he was shaving little slivers of his soul off for money. But you always felt like he maintained a controlling interest in his soul. Fifty-one percent of his soul. The majority shares of his soul. Until now.

McCain says he never considered himself a maverick.

Stewart:
I’ll give you a moment to scrap your brains off the ceiling. Now normally this is obviously where we’d toss to a montage of John McCain calling himself a maverick but I don’t even fucking need to. That’s how embedded the word “maverick” is on his persona. It would be like Rudy Giuliani coming out saying, “Hey, I never mention 9/11. What are you talking about?” It’s like “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” saying, “I never believed I was butter. Why would I believe that? I never believed it.” It’s on the container! Something like that is such an abject and easily disproved negation of the entire premise of this man’s political career that it can’t even be considered selling your soul for political gain because at that point the currency of your soul is utterly worthless. It’s like, at that point you’re just printing your soul on Zimbabwe dollars. Even political expedience does not, there’s no logical reason… Oh, my God. He’s completely devalued his soul. I know what’s going on here. McCain is shorting his own soul. It’s brilliant. What he’s doing is driving down the price of his own soul by completely stripping it of its pride, its backbone, its integrity, all of its tangible assets. All the while knowing the value of his own soul will soon plummet. Then, in a backdoor move, buys soul default swaps on the back end. Makes a fortune and just picks his soul back up for a song when it hits bottom. And you know the worst part? Come election time, he’ll still get his tax payer bailout and get re-elected. You know why? Because John McCain is too big to fail.

Stewart: It was an amendment proposed by Democratic Michigan Congressman Bart “I’m With” Stupak banning any new government health plan from paying for a certain, completely legal, constitutionally protected medical procedure. Take a guess which one? I’m going to write down my guess: gall bladder and gall bladder related issues.

After Congressman says it is wrong to use tax payers money for a procedure they find morally wrong, Stewart says: Paying taxes is like going to the zoo. Admission’s 20 bucks. You can’t walk in and go, “Here’s $18.50, I don’t like zebras.”

Daily Show: The RNC’s new website features an American flag with hydraulics and Michael Steele’s blog, “What Up.”

Daily Show: Glenn Beck has to decide how much he trusts his government before getting the swine flu vaccine.

Daily Show blasts CNN for “leaving it there” when it comes to asking the hard questions. And we’re just going to have to leave it there.

Best Line: Stewart on CNN fact-checking an SNL skit about Obama: “While you were doing research did you also discover that sharks live in water and don’t deliver candygrams? That there’s no African-American equivalent of Mr. Rogers? And that the majority of boxes do not have dicks in them? Did you find that out? Were you able to look into that?”

Daily Show: Barack Obama says he has too much on his plate to revoke the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, so it’s time for him to chow down.

Stewart to Obama: I know that you have a lot on your desk plate. But as a thin man who smokes, you may not understand the concept. All that stuff you’ve been putting on your plate? It’s f-ing show time, brother! That’s how you get things off of your plate! Now, I know you’re a man of letters. You’ve probably never been on a cruise, but you should see the amount of shit people can put on what are very average size plates. Now, after going back four or five times they might say to themselves, “I feel terrible now.” But you know what? You’re the one who went on that cruise! You’re the one that asked for seconds, thirds, fourths, finish your own fucking plate! I gotta tell you, in the cornucopia of sliced meats, shrimp, block cheese and Waldorf salad, “don’t ask don’t tell” is maybe a little bit of rice pudding right over there on the side. You can finish that before you even get back to your table. Remeber, you’re the President of America. When you’re plate gets too full, you get up and get a bigger plate, mister!

Daily Show: Conservatives scream so loud against Obama’s health care reform that they drown out the Democrats’ incoherence.

Best Line: Everybody was townhall fighting! Those cats were talking about legislation!

Jon Stewart discusses “CrankyPants Suit” and her anger at a Congolese native over his question during an interview session. As Stewart says, “Can the Clintons do anything without it being reduced to a ‘Real Housewives’ episode?”